whats wrong with me

my heart feel so stuffed rite now...
need some oxygen!
need something to distract my mind...
oh hopefully i can passed dis feeling sumday...
hating myself rite now..

Lamaran ke itu?

okey ingat lagi x xbf saya Faizal?
hari tue dia kol and we talked for several hours...
updating stuff semua...
then we talk about the reason why we break up semua...
partly my fault and partly for sure his fault lah kan...
tiba-tiba dia pop up dis question...
"Jom Kahwin..."
What the fish! 
pas2 sy reply balik...
i told him that it is not nice playing with others heart...
kahwin bukan pekara main-main
yang boleh dibuat gurau semua...
then dia balas and dia cakap dia xmain-main and dia serius...
dia cakap umur 25tahun nanti saya datang rumah awak masuk meminang...
masa tue kalau awak dah ready ke x kita kahwin...
he sound so serious masa tue...
dia pun ada cakap yang pernah tak i asked him why our relationship end just like that?
then i sentap sekejap hu3 u know why?
because i never bother to asked because i'm putting all the blame to him..
i'm busying being the good ones at that time.
Faizal cakap dia buat semua tu untuk kami. dia nak fokus in building kerjaya dia so that we can proceed with the next step..
so guys what do you think?
adakah itu satu lamaran?
atau faizal just nak messed with my mind?
ha3 one way to find out adalah by waiting until 25 and we see whether dia betul2 datang meminang or x...
=) right now one thing je yang i wish for...
i wish i can find someone who can guide me and can accept me and my family as how we are...

my stupidness is beyond stupidity!

Stupidness? do that word even exist? i dint'n know and in fact i do not even want to know
rite know i feel so stupid and i want to blow my head off with any explosive things!
give me a grenade!dynamite! or anything!!! i want to blow this stupid head of mine...
why i always keep on falling to the same shit all over again...
why i have to fall with sumone who clear enough just want to take advantage on you...
owh maybe because you stupid???
yeah i am an idiot because i fall for an asshole like him...
i keep on stalking his page eventhough he dump me just like that...
why i keep waiting like he would come back to me???
wake up idiot he is not going to come back...
get hold of yourself and move on...
what he want from you is just pleasure and you no that rite...he is no sincere with you you moron!
thank god you are not that stupid and give what he want...
why girl you keep on attracted to a guy that have their dark side more than their good side...
why!!!!!!
he told you rite no attachment in this relationship but still you fall for him and now you keep looking at his hideous page and wining that he just online 6 hours ago! do he even bother to text you???? no rite so get your ass up and move on girl... don't you ever look back again...
let this one time stupidity pass you by... yeah its hurt but it would kill you if you keep holding on to this unrequited love like this... 
van voyage you asshole!!!!!!

Goodbye 2012

2012 was the most hard year for me...
nothing to write...
but one thing for sure this year do taught me to be strong
for the sake of those i love and treasured so much..

Missing Her

Oh God we miss her so much...
especially during this time where she should be busy preparing hari raya cookies...
hu3 only my mom that excited baking a cookies...
i know my abah also sad but he have to suppresses his feeling for us..his children
yesterday he went to the place he always go with mak...their dating place...
i know he misses her..
so are we abah...
she was the best mak i ever gonna have...
nobody can replace her that's for sure.
she was the most brave and courage women i ever found in my life...
a woman who never afraid to face a hard life... facing cruel fate because she always believe that someday she would be success in her life. 
But we can only make a plan as Allah S.W.T knows better...
she gone without having the opportunity to change her life...
it's okey mak... akak would make it come true... your dream is now my goal...
i would keep my promise to you... 
Akak would be strong for the sake of our family...
we would always stay together...
I love you mak...love you so much...
May mak rest in peace among those who believe... Amin

Selamat Tinggal Mak...

my late mother and father

Akak tahu hari ini akan tiba juga mak

tapi akak xsangka sepantas ini ia akan terjadi...

hancur luluh hati akak ni bila melihat mak terbaring 2 hari di katil hospital...

mak nampak lemah sangat...macam xbermaya...

Mak masih boleh tersenyum pada hari pertama mak admit wad...

pagi tu pun mak boleh buat lawak dengan akak dengan doc tapi

6.30 pagi sabtu mak collapsed! mak xsedar...

akak takut sangat masa tu mak...

macam2 bermain dalam fikiran akak...

kemudian mak stabil... akak kol abah

abah sampai akak cium mak sebab akak nak balik tukar baju sekejap

tapi tiba-tiba abah call akak minta akak naik balik kat wad...

rupa-rupanya mak collapsed again.

tapi kenapa nampak lebih serius? doktor semua mengelilingi mak..

Doktor jumpa akak mak.. doktor explain yang mak tenat... keadaan kritikal jadi silalah hubungi ahli keluarga yang lain... akak berlari ke abah.. abah macam nak pengsan bila dengar yang mak tenat...

Akak call moksu sebab akak ingat moksu saja masa tu mak

kemudian mak di hantar ke scope untuk keluarkan darah mak...

Mak ada internal bleeding!

doktor delivered the news that mak suffer internal bleeding then usus mak luka sebesar 2 sentimeter!

Ya Allah semakin hancur hati aku...

Mak stabil sedikit tapi jantung mak laju sangat!

Akak takut sangat mak..

Pagi tu mak taknak pandang muka akak dan adik-adik pun...

Mak xsampai hati eh mak?

Jam 10 pagi hari isnin doktor cari line untuk masukkan darah then nak hantar scope lagi...

tetapi mak tiba-tiba tenat semula...

tepat jam 12.50 hari isnin mak telah menghembusakan nafas yang terakhir...

Ya Allah rasa nak terduduk akak dekat situ...

Abah dah menangis...

Sopi datang peluk akak suruh akak sabar...

Akak kena sabar demi abah dan adik-adik

Akak tersenyum depan semua mak.. akak kena tunjuk kuat demi semua

Biarlah akak menangis bila akak sorang2 nanti

Mak akak rindu sangat-sangat dengan mak

Mak adalah kawan terbaik yang akak ada...

Mak adalah mak yang terbaik bagi akak

Terima kasih kerana melahirkan akak

Membesarkan akak... sanggup hidup susah untuk akak dan adik-adik

Semoga roh mak dicucuri rahmat dan mak ditempatkan di kalangan orang yang beriman...

Amin.

Raya terakhir bersama mak

mak and abah

Inchik Bakal Lawyer =)

Assalamualaikum Inchik Bakal Lawyer (IBL) 

Saya suka awak lah... 

tapi saya x harap pun awak suka saya jugak...

jadi awak jangan lah rasa malu kalau awak dapat tahu nanti yang awak ada secret admirer...

saya dah puas dah dapat tengok awak dari jauh...

awak xperlu pun nak balas pandangan saya tu..

cukuplah sekadar saya seorang saja yang tersenyum bila terpandang awak...

x perlulah awak tahu yang senyuman saya itu untuk awak dan x perlulah awak balas pun 

senyuman saya itu...

saya bagi free je khas untuk awak...

IBL...

Awak comel sgt kadang2 saya tengok tapi kadang2 saya rasa serabut tengok awak

tapi apa2 pun awak tetap saya suka...

tapi cukuplah kalau rasa tu saya seorang sahaja yang tahu IBL...

nanti awak pulak yang serabut...

Saya doakan kebahagian awak yek...

Walaupun bukan dengan saya...

tapi xpe sebab bila awak bahagia saya pun bahagia...

normal lah kecewa sekejap tapi semua itu akan berlalu...

dan bila saya pandang kebelakang nanti saya akan tersenyum

kerana saya pernah menjadi seorang secret admirer kepada awak

IBL...

dan ia akan menjadi satu memori yang indah!